Have you ever wondered why we argue about the same things over and over again in a relationship? Well, humans are creatures of habit. We tend to repeat behaviors, as this brings us a measure of comfort and security, oftentimes even when there are negative consequences. We also revisit topics of conflict because we don’t feel like there has been a true resolution. So, how can we begin to move beyond these argument patterns? What are we even really fighting about? Couples counseling can help us answer these questions, and others.
We may bring up items of concern in a relationship because this keeps a barrier between us and the other person. If we are constantly in conflict, who wants to change or become closer?
It’s possible that we have yet to learn how to let go, accept, or grieve. In fact, we may not realize that we’re still trying to figure out pieces of previous relationships, or that we’re using this one to explore past hurts.
We need to ask ourselves if we’re trying to punish our partner into seeing things from our own perspective. This is an indication that we still feel hurt or slighted by their behavior in the relationship, even if we’ve tried to work through the same issues over and over again.
Holding Space for Conflict
Not only are we creatures of habit, but we also tend to have recurring relationship areas of conflict. It may even be a new partnership, but you find yourself still having the same arguments from a past relationship. So, what’s really going on? Therapy can help us sort out these deep patterns.
The notion isn’t that we should talk about an issue once and then there will never be a need to revisit the item. We used to believe that successful communication occurred when the topic of concern was addressed, resolved, and finally laid to rest for good. Not so. The reality is that all relationships have recurring areas of difference that need consistent dialogue, but couples therapy can teach you tools to break these destructive cycles.
The healthiest of relationships are those that discuss conflict in a manner that reflects and allows room for lively, respectful communication, despite differing opinions and expectations. Relationships that are able to share these discussions report more closeness as well as a greater level of satisfaction than those that do not.
Reconnecting with Couples Counseling
If your relationship is stuck on playing the blame game, or you feel like you’re talking about your relationship with everyone but your partner, couples counseling can help.